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Experiencing refusal, especially when it recurs often, is far from pleasant. Someone is declining your work, delivering a definite “Nope.” Being an author, I am no stranger to setbacks. I started pitching articles five decades ago, upon completing my studies. Over the years, I have had two novels rejected, along with article pitches and countless essays. In the last score of years, focusing on op-eds, the refusals have only increased. On average, I get a setback frequently—amounting to over 100 annually. Cumulatively, rejections throughout my life number in the thousands. Today, I might as well have a PhD in handling no’s.

But, is this a complaining tirade? Far from it. Because, finally, at the age of 73, I have embraced rejection.

By What Means Have I Managed This?

For perspective: At this point, just about each individual and their relatives has given me a thumbs-down. I haven’t counted my acceptance statistics—it would be deeply dispiriting.

As an illustration: recently, a newspaper editor rejected 20 pieces in a row before approving one. In 2016, over 50 book publishers rejected my book idea before someone approved it. A few years later, 25 agents passed on a nonfiction book proposal. One editor requested that I submit articles less frequently.

The Seven Stages of Setback

In my 20s, every no were painful. I felt attacked. It seemed like my writing was being turned down, but myself.

Right after a submission was turned down, I would begin the process of setback:

• First, surprise. How could this happen? How could these people be ignore my ability?
• Next, denial. Certainly they rejected the incorrect submission? Perhaps it’s an administrative error.
• Then, dismissal. What do any of you know? Who appointed you to judge on my efforts? They’re foolish and your publication stinks. I deny your no.
• Fourth, frustration at the rejecters, followed by self-blame. Why would I do this to myself? Could I be a martyr?
• Fifth, negotiating (preferably mixed with delusion). What does it require you to acknowledge me as a once-in-a-generation talent?
• Then, depression. I’m no good. What’s more, I can never become successful.

I experienced this through my 30s, 40s and 50s.

Notable Precedents

Of course, I was in good company. Tales of writers whose work was initially declined are legion. Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. The writer of Dubliners. The novelist of Lolita. Joseph Heller’s Catch-22. Nearly each renowned author was initially spurned. Because they managed to succeed despite no’s, then maybe I could, too. The basketball legend was not selected for his school team. The majority of US presidents over the past six decades had previously lost races. Sylvester Stallone claims that his Rocky screenplay and attempt to star were rejected repeatedly. He said rejection as an alarm to motivate me and persevere, rather than retreat,” he remarked.

Acceptance

Then, as I reached my 60s and 70s, I achieved the seventh stage of rejection. Peace. Today, I grasp the multiple factors why a publisher says no. To begin with, an reviewer may have recently run a similar piece, or have something in the pipeline, or be considering a similar topic for someone else.

Or, less promisingly, my pitch is of limited interest. Or maybe the evaluator believes I am not qualified or reputation to be suitable. Or isn’t in the business for the wares I am submitting. Or was busy and reviewed my piece too fast to appreciate its abundant merits.

Go ahead call it an epiphany. Anything can be turned down, and for whatever cause, and there is virtually nothing you can do about it. Certain rationales for rejection are always not up to you.

Your Responsibility

Some aspects are under your control. Admittedly, my ideas and work may occasionally be flawed. They may not resonate and impact, or the message I am struggling to articulate is poorly presented. Or I’m being obviously derivative. Maybe an aspect about my writing style, notably dashes, was offensive.

The essence is that, regardless of all my long career and setbacks, I have managed to get widely published. I’ve authored multiple works—the initial one when I was in my fifties, the next, a personal story, at retirement age—and in excess of 1,000 articles. My writings have appeared in newspapers big and little, in diverse outlets. My first op-ed appeared decades ago—and I have now written to many places for half a century.

Still, no bestsellers, no author events at major stores, no features on talk shows, no speeches, no book awards, no big awards, no Nobel, and no national honor. But I can more easily accept rejection at 73, because my, small successes have eased the blows of my frequent denials. I can choose to be philosophical about it all today.

Valuable Rejection

Setback can be instructive, but provided that you listen to what it’s trying to teach. Otherwise, you will probably just keep taking rejection all wrong. So what insights have I learned?

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